Resume playing : Numb. Next Song : One More Light.

11th standard,2007.

Track 1: Numb. Too late, I know. But your biggest fan, was born right there, staring at the CD player, wondering..who were these people? Why did this song simplify everything I was feeling and how I wish I could have a portable CD player to listen to Numb on loop.

Track 2: In the end. It was so good!It made my heart sink to the ground every time I listened to it. It’s 2017, I still feel the same.

Track 3: Breaking the Habit. Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

yet again, you took your pen and wrote down everything I felt and made a song out of it. How?

Years passed, I was here. Listening to every album release, every press interview, your concerts, all of it. Everyone I know gifted me everything, Linkin Park. I personally took the onus of your integrity. Nobody badmouths Linkin Park as long as I am here. I was here, branding for you, promoting you. Writing down the lyrics of every Linkin Park song I know by-heart in the last page of my notebook. Rewriting them over and over, in lectures both interesting and boring.

I contemplated too long. If I should get inked, and if it should read ‘Linkin Park’. I fought with way too many people who ever joked, you guys would split. I had way too many people testing my love for you, while they asked if I would spend whatever I have and more if you guys ever came to perform.

Also, for me, it never was an ‘IF’. Let me tell you something. I am a believer of dreams. And with the conviction with which I believed Linkin Park would come to India. I would prebook tickets, travel by flight if I have to (I have a phobia of Flights) and be on the first row while the crowd is lunging at you (I panic in overcrowded places), you would look at me. You would look at me for a micro milli second, and you would not even realize what you had just done. You would have just weaved my best memory, with those eyes, that voice, a million lights and billion fans.

I would come for your meet and greet backstage, you would be sitting there with the rest all of whom I love, you’d be as sassy, funny and humble as you’d always be. I would come up to you, my hands shivering, my voice quivering, because have you ever experienced your biggest most magnanimous of dreams come true? You would take my book, sign across it and talk to me while I cried. Because we met. I would rant (if I could speak) about how you’ve just met you biggest fan. You’d smile politely because you’ve heard it way too often. You’d murmur things which were all crystal clear in my head. Now only a blur. I would hug you and you would hug me back because you have always loved your fans.

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So when my best friend comes barging in a 12:15 am, 21st July 2017 waking me up, holding my face and telling me ‘Chester committed suicide’. I was sitting upright before I knew it. ‘It is a hoax’ I said. While my heart pounded against my chest. No No No No No.

I checked my phone. googled. twitter. It was true.

There was a deafening silence. Has anyone ever told you? that the shattering of your biggest dreams is the most penetrating silence you can ever hear? It feels like a loud thud on your chest, a punch and then numbing silence like someone is skillful tearing me apart while I watch, wait there’s a word for it, HELPLESSNESS. My Life Fell Apart. My head couldn’t grasp, my hands were frantic, my eyes were moist, my gait- resigned.

In that moment, my dreams fell apart, slow enough for me to feel it being ripped to shreds and fast enough for me to not catch a breath. Shaken, bruised, betrayed. But. I would not understand you.

You were there, all those nights, blaring through my headphones telling me everything I was feeling. Making me feel, I was never alone. You, Linkin Park, were always there. And when the world got too much to handle, all I had to do was turn the volume to full and listen to you. I hope there were enough people in 41 years of your life, who told you music heals, yours especially.

You saved way too many people. You changed way too many lives. You were there as I grew up, changed bit by bit from the person I was to the person I am. You meanwhile changed from ‘I am one step closer to the edge and I am about to break‘ to ‘And you’re sure you’ve hurt in a way, That no one will ever know, But someday the weight of the world, Will give you the strength to go’ to ‘Can I help you, not to hurt, any more?‘. Our worlds, Criss-crossing at every step, every junction, every path. You were there for me. I would not, could not let you go. You cant let legends go right?

I brought a T shirt for every new album. I attended three Linkin Park tribute concerts because, for me, they were the closest thing to you. I cried when they played ‘I dreamed I was missing, you were so scared, but no one would listen, cause no one else cared’.

I could not wait to hear it from you. But to the man who had a billion fans, all of them like me or better. We weren’t enough. We weren’t enough for you to stay. And no, I am not mad at you. I could never be. I just wish we were enough. I just wish you’d tell us. And you would have one fan write to you every single day to tell you how why you should survive today, maybe just exist. You’d live 100 years Chester Charles Bennington. For every fan you helped, you’d live a thousand years, love. But I guess, that’s not what you needed?

I want to understand, I want to make things better, I want you back.

Can I help you, not to hurt anymore’ I wasn’t there to make it stop, it hurt so bad, didn’t it?

Can you help me, not to hurt anymore?

Because, I care if one more light goes out, in a sky full of million stars, it flickers.You left, the void is the fucking gaping hole in my heart. I want to heal, but then again your music healed me. How do I listen to your voice without hurting, When will I stop wearing all the Linkin Park T shirts I own? How will I go to my diary today and write those words? How will I listen to One More Light, my love? How will I listen to ‘Sorry for now‘. How will I ever come to terms with the fact that my dream, the dream of all dreams, the dream that needed no motivation to follow or inspiration to go on, the dream that I was most unwaveringly sure of, seeing you guys live, was snatched away from me 12:14 am, 21st July 2017. One min before my world came crashing down.

I believe in signs, and as my puffy swollen eyes were aimlessly staring into an abyss, trying to get through the day, trying to make sense of everything that happened, I read ‘He has a much bigger and better place now‘, the sign board across the street read. I believe they spoke about your mind. I believe you are free from your demons, I believe you now can wander in your thoughts without being a prisoner to it. I believe you let go because you had to. While I will never ever ever agree this was anything close to the right thing you did, I wish you’d ask for help, I wish you’d stay, I wish I ‘d read ‘Linkin Park coming to India, 2018’. I can forgive you because I love you way too much. I wish you found peace, the one that you craved so much.

I wish you are at peace while the world is robbed away from you. I wish you found everything you needed, while we the Millennials aimlessly are walking like zombies trying to make sense of why you did, what you did. You changed a generation, Sir. You changed lives, you changed me.

And in another world, I hope you are happy. I hope you are smiling, I hope you are sassy, witty, funny. I hope you write brilliant songs, I hope you sing them too. But please don’t release new albums there until we have fought all your wars here until we have helped all those people who need help. Until we continue to wade through life each day because you taught us to.

Sometimes, the students surpass the teachers. I never thought a day would come, when I would have to go on living, knowing that my hero has faltered. But it has. You could not go on, but I need to because you mean too much. So, I take you ahead in spirit and I promise you, you will always live, unendingly in my heart.

 

So, Chester Charles Bennington, I will not say my goodbyes. Because for me you live on and will live on through the generations. Until my kids and grand-kids sing’ It starts with one thing I don’t know why’. And I will be there senile and toothless, smiling, knowing you help me survive and how 100 years later, you continue to live on.

Because souls do not die.

Chester Charles Bennington – You will always be my ‘forever’.

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He Smiled, I did too..

via Daily Prompt: Recognize

Small stories, quick glances, swift moves, fast love stories,
there is a certain charm to give it credit,
in those glances at the bus stop, over the piping hot tea glasses at the stalls,
in the park, it is passionate, how?
how could it in the name of god be passionate when sometimes a lifetime is not enough.
To mean all the I love you’s said, then how could this 5 min brief exchange mean so much?
Or be passionate for that matter?
It’s really simple because for those 5 mins you refuse to think about the flaws, about the materialistic virtues.
About his qualities, his habits,
All that matters is all that exists right there between him and you.
In an electrifying, almost mind-numbing moment
Of nothingness….of fullness,
complete satisfaction right there…
no expectations, no arguments,
no fighting over I love tea, you coffee.
I am a dog person and him not or how gentlemanly he may treat your friends.
it’s about you n him.
So isn’t that how all relationships should be about?
Well, face it! It never will be, so till let’s enjoy, these glances and awkward smiles at seemingly random places, like I said there is a certain charm to it, an aura that is irrefutable!
Would you then, recognize each other if you crossed each other on the subway?
20 years from now?
Souls that emerged from the same star that exploded into a million pieces
Every single piece would recognize each other

Just like the both of you would!

Like Phoenix we rise…

You lost me, the day you left me, crying behind the blue car..
You lost me when u burdened me with the weight of decisions I despised taking.
You lost me, every single day when when u laughed at my tears
You lost me every time I called you and you dint call back.

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You lost me every little time you walked away while I begged you to stay.
You lost me when i sat alone, all alone, trying to justify your actions that you did not bother justifying
You lost me when you picked her..
You lost my loyalty when all I needed was your understanding
You lost me when you did not understand the things most important to me.
I started straying when I couldn’t find solace in your presence.

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You lost your place in my life when you dismissed my deepest feelings and most intimate fears
You lost my fidelity when he began to understand me
And then he too lost me cuz he had her..
In all this I am finding pieces of me
They are all over the place
But I need to find them pick them and put them Together.
Because noone else would. Nor you nor him

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The leaves fell on my hair as you walked away.
I had to brush them away myself…
My pants were dusty from sitting on the road..
You weren’t there for me to ask are they clean?
So I got up..dusted myself…brushed my hair..
Looked in the mirror wiped away the warm tears burning on my cheeks..
Walked straight to my dog.
He did not brush me away..he did not wound me with words.
He comforted me with fur stuck all over me..
He comforted me with those eyes that healed me…
Remind me again.. Why I need you?

Those things about 2016..

Well now,didn’t we all love 2016, NOT! It was definitely not on top of our favourite year’s list. It deserves every bit of our sarcasm, because come on, it did more than just give us a hard time. It would be wrong to say that it was a bad, vengeful, disgusting year! It was just a very overwhelming and confusing year. I hope it wasn’t just me that faced the wrath of this wretched year? Well, lets just say if 2016 was a person, she would be bloody hell interesting, just a whole lot of chaos, mess, indecisive, misjudged and basically hated by all!

So here are 5 things 2016 taught me…

Lesson No. 1: Do not listen to crap
SO we have all been here, we listen to a lot of shit from some completely irrelevant people, we put up with a lot of shit in the name of just patience. Well not every situation demands a reaction. Some situations just deserve stoic silence. But well, lets just face facts, there were way too many times you wish you had spoken, asked the person to shut the hell up and listen to you and you didn’t! Too many underlying reasons, important relationships at stake and just a lot to loose ends in general. But haven’t we all learnt that we need to improve, we need to be better versions of ourselves every chance we get, Let’s begin then?
Lesson No. 2: Plan your life
Way too many wasted days is how I personally would like to describe my year. Get up, plan it, plan it down to the T! You deserve this, you deserve your time, you deserve your attention, you deserve every bit of planning that would bring you a day closer to your goals. Unleash your pen, book ,pad, iPhone, scribble on your hand for all I care,but PLAN. Plan your priorities, plan your perfect vacation, plan your actionable for your perfect goals. As soon as your break it down, you’d realise it isn’t that unachievable after all. Break it down to each month, highlights you’d need to focus on each day! Lets do this guys, you and me, in it together

Lesson No. 3: Go a little crazy..
YEAH, I know this needs no introduction to you.  You have done plenty  of it in 2016 already, but who said all of 2016 was sucky right? Maybe all your going crazy, discovering yourself, challenging your boundaries was one of the best things 2016 could have gifted you. Maybe 2016 was a year of self discovery for these very reasons and honestly lets promise each we wont ever give up on that! Because self-indulgence is the best kind of indulgence. So go on that solo trip of it means that much, go take your parents on a trip if that is what makes you happy. Sit at home every saturday and do absolutely nothing or just go crazy partying every weekend. Do whatever the hell it is takes to make you go a little Harley Quinn! Because hell, we all know life is too damned difficult anyways to not have a little fun. So don’t challenge your sanity, live on the edge a bit! Unwind love…

Lesson No 4: Be open to new experiences

If there is one phrase to describe how 2016 felt,’One helluva ride’. It felt like those times when you know you drank too much, you had a great time, the best in  long long time, and yet it gave you the worst kinda hangover, you called some wrong people up, you upset some, you entertained some. What would you call that experience good?NO.. Bad?NO.. but it was just something.It was a special night and will always go down in history. Precisely how we feel about last year don’t we? So you met new people some really interesting ones and you can’t describe how it felt, it felt like how every first bite of doughnuts taste when you are immensely craving for it. Does that mean doughnuts are good for your health? HELLL NO! they just taste heaven freakishly amazing. Met new people, broadened your horizons, challenged your own belief systems, imbibed some new cultures, there was so much for everyone in 2016. I hope our new year gives us many more such engaging intriguing experiences. 2017 we are up for, just be a little ehhhh…sublte.

Lesson No 5. You Survived, where’s the virtual Hi-Five?

And if there is the simplest way to describe life in a sentence’ It Goes on’. So many changes, so many events that shook you from your soft haven and that enviable comfort zone. It didn’t feel right at first, your walls started to collapse, your gods started to crumble, your life started to fall apart like papyrus scrolls in water, right before your eyes and all you could do was watch! But where are you now? Still here aren’t you? The war is over, the survivors are all that counts, your life is all that matters.You survived through times you thought were impossible, doesn’t it ever make you wonder love, what you are capable of? You were capable of being the captain of the boat in the roughest of the seas, you were capable of making it through the day when it just wouldn’t stop raining crap, you made it through the night when they walked way. You made it through it all, you ll continue to, I promise.

So rub off that war dust, put down your weapons, you don’t need them anymore. Just live, love and experience. Because I don’t know what else there is to life besides these!