Resume playing : Numb. Next Song : One More Light.

11th standard,2007.

Track 1: Numb. Too late, I know. But your biggest fan, was born right there, staring at the CD player, wondering..who were these people? Why did this song simplify everything I was feeling and how I wish I could have a portable CD player to listen to Numb on loop.

Track 2: In the end. It was so good!It made my heart sink to the ground every time I listened to it. It’s 2017, I still feel the same.

Track 3: Breaking the Habit. Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

yet again, you took your pen and wrote down everything I felt and made a song out of it. How?

Years passed, I was here. Listening to every album release, every press interview, your concerts, all of it. Everyone I know gifted me everything, Linkin Park. I personally took the onus of your integrity. Nobody badmouths Linkin Park as long as I am here. I was here, branding for you, promoting you. Writing down the lyrics of every Linkin Park song I know by-heart in the last page of my notebook. Rewriting them over and over, in lectures both interesting and boring.

I contemplated too long. If I should get inked, and if it should read ‘Linkin Park’. I fought with way too many people who ever joked, you guys would split. I had way too many people testing my love for you, while they asked if I would spend whatever I have and more if you guys ever came to perform.

Also, for me, it never was an ‘IF’. Let me tell you something. I am a believer of dreams. And with the conviction with which I believed Linkin Park would come to India. I would prebook tickets, travel by flight if I have to (I have a phobia of Flights) and be on the first row while the crowd is lunging at you (I panic in overcrowded places), you would look at me. You would look at me for a micro milli second, and you would not even realize what you had just done. You would have just weaved my best memory, with those eyes, that voice, a million lights and billion fans.

I would come for your meet and greet backstage, you would be sitting there with the rest all of whom I love, you’d be as sassy, funny and humble as you’d always be. I would come up to you, my hands shivering, my voice quivering, because have you ever experienced your biggest most magnanimous of dreams come true? You would take my book, sign across it and talk to me while I cried. Because we met. I would rant (if I could speak) about how you’ve just met you biggest fan. You’d smile politely because you’ve heard it way too often. You’d murmur things which were all crystal clear in my head. Now only a blur. I would hug you and you would hug me back because you have always loved your fans.

Petrusich-Chester-Bennington

So when my best friend comes barging in a 12:15 am, 21st July 2017 waking me up, holding my face and telling me ‘Chester committed suicide’. I was sitting upright before I knew it. ‘It is a hoax’ I said. While my heart pounded against my chest. No No No No No.

I checked my phone. googled. twitter. It was true.

There was a deafening silence. Has anyone ever told you? that the shattering of your biggest dreams is the most penetrating silence you can ever hear? It feels like a loud thud on your chest, a punch and then numbing silence like someone is skillful tearing me apart while I watch, wait there’s a word for it, HELPLESSNESS. My Life Fell Apart. My head couldn’t grasp, my hands were frantic, my eyes were moist, my gait- resigned.

In that moment, my dreams fell apart, slow enough for me to feel it being ripped to shreds and fast enough for me to not catch a breath. Shaken, bruised, betrayed. But. I would not understand you.

You were there, all those nights, blaring through my headphones telling me everything I was feeling. Making me feel, I was never alone. You, Linkin Park, were always there. And when the world got too much to handle, all I had to do was turn the volume to full and listen to you. I hope there were enough people in 41 years of your life, who told you music heals, yours especially.

You saved way too many people. You changed way too many lives. You were there as I grew up, changed bit by bit from the person I was to the person I am. You meanwhile changed from ‘I am one step closer to the edge and I am about to break‘ to ‘And you’re sure you’ve hurt in a way, That no one will ever know, But someday the weight of the world, Will give you the strength to go’ to ‘Can I help you, not to hurt, any more?‘. Our worlds, Criss-crossing at every step, every junction, every path. You were there for me. I would not, could not let you go. You cant let legends go right?

I brought a T shirt for every new album. I attended three Linkin Park tribute concerts because, for me, they were the closest thing to you. I cried when they played ‘I dreamed I was missing, you were so scared, but no one would listen, cause no one else cared’.

I could not wait to hear it from you. But to the man who had a billion fans, all of them like me or better. We weren’t enough. We weren’t enough for you to stay. And no, I am not mad at you. I could never be. I just wish we were enough. I just wish you’d tell us. And you would have one fan write to you every single day to tell you how why you should survive today, maybe just exist. You’d live 100 years Chester Charles Bennington. For every fan you helped, you’d live a thousand years, love. But I guess, that’s not what you needed?

I want to understand, I want to make things better, I want you back.

Can I help you, not to hurt anymore’ I wasn’t there to make it stop, it hurt so bad, didn’t it?

Can you help me, not to hurt anymore?

Because, I care if one more light goes out, in a sky full of million stars, it flickers.You left, the void is the fucking gaping hole in my heart. I want to heal, but then again your music healed me. How do I listen to your voice without hurting, When will I stop wearing all the Linkin Park T shirts I own? How will I go to my diary today and write those words? How will I listen to One More Light, my love? How will I listen to ‘Sorry for now‘. How will I ever come to terms with the fact that my dream, the dream of all dreams, the dream that needed no motivation to follow or inspiration to go on, the dream that I was most unwaveringly sure of, seeing you guys live, was snatched away from me 12:14 am, 21st July 2017. One min before my world came crashing down.

I believe in signs, and as my puffy swollen eyes were aimlessly staring into an abyss, trying to get through the day, trying to make sense of everything that happened, I read ‘He has a much bigger and better place now‘, the sign board across the street read. I believe they spoke about your mind. I believe you are free from your demons, I believe you now can wander in your thoughts without being a prisoner to it. I believe you let go because you had to. While I will never ever ever agree this was anything close to the right thing you did, I wish you’d ask for help, I wish you’d stay, I wish I ‘d read ‘Linkin Park coming to India, 2018’. I can forgive you because I love you way too much. I wish you found peace, the one that you craved so much.

I wish you are at peace while the world is robbed away from you. I wish you found everything you needed, while we the Millennials aimlessly are walking like zombies trying to make sense of why you did, what you did. You changed a generation, Sir. You changed lives, you changed me.

And in another world, I hope you are happy. I hope you are smiling, I hope you are sassy, witty, funny. I hope you write brilliant songs, I hope you sing them too. But please don’t release new albums there until we have fought all your wars here until we have helped all those people who need help. Until we continue to wade through life each day because you taught us to.

Sometimes, the students surpass the teachers. I never thought a day would come, when I would have to go on living, knowing that my hero has faltered. But it has. You could not go on, but I need to because you mean too much. So, I take you ahead in spirit and I promise you, you will always live, unendingly in my heart.

 

So, Chester Charles Bennington, I will not say my goodbyes. Because for me you live on and will live on through the generations. Until my kids and grand-kids sing’ It starts with one thing I don’t know why’. And I will be there senile and toothless, smiling, knowing you help me survive and how 100 years later, you continue to live on.

Because souls do not die.

Chester Charles Bennington – You will always be my ‘forever’.

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He Smiled, I did too..

via Daily Prompt: Recognize

Small stories, quick glances, swift moves, fast love stories,
there is a certain charm to give it credit,
in those glances at the bus stop, over the piping hot tea glasses at the stalls,
in the park, it is passionate, how?
how could it in the name of god be passionate when sometimes a lifetime is not enough.
To mean all the I love you’s said, then how could this 5 min brief exchange mean so much?
Or be passionate for that matter?
It’s really simple because for those 5 mins you refuse to think about the flaws, about the materialistic virtues.
About his qualities, his habits,
All that matters is all that exists right there between him and you.
In an electrifying, almost mind-numbing moment
Of nothingness….of fullness,
complete satisfaction right there…
no expectations, no arguments,
no fighting over I love tea, you coffee.
I am a dog person and him not or how gentlemanly he may treat your friends.
it’s about you n him.
So isn’t that how all relationships should be about?
Well, face it! It never will be, so till let’s enjoy, these glances and awkward smiles at seemingly random places, like I said there is a certain charm to it, an aura that is irrefutable!
Would you then, recognize each other if you crossed each other on the subway?
20 years from now?
Souls that emerged from the same star that exploded into a million pieces
Every single piece would recognize each other

Just like the both of you would!

Like Phoenix we rise…

You lost me, the day you left me, crying behind the blue car..
You lost me when u burdened me with the weight of decisions I despised taking.
You lost me, every single day when when u laughed at my tears
You lost me every time I called you and you dint call back.

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You lost me every little time you walked away while I begged you to stay.
You lost me when i sat alone, all alone, trying to justify your actions that you did not bother justifying
You lost me when you picked her..
You lost my loyalty when all I needed was your understanding
You lost me when you did not understand the things most important to me.
I started straying when I couldn’t find solace in your presence.

happiness-means-loving-yourself-love-quotes-sayings-pictures
You lost your place in my life when you dismissed my deepest feelings and most intimate fears
You lost my fidelity when he began to understand me
And then he too lost me cuz he had her..
In all this I am finding pieces of me
They are all over the place
But I need to find them pick them and put them Together.
Because noone else would. Nor you nor him

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The leaves fell on my hair as you walked away.
I had to brush them away myself…
My pants were dusty from sitting on the road..
You weren’t there for me to ask are they clean?
So I got up..dusted myself…brushed my hair..
Looked in the mirror wiped away the warm tears burning on my cheeks..
Walked straight to my dog.
He did not brush me away..he did not wound me with words.
He comforted me with fur stuck all over me..
He comforted me with those eyes that healed me…
Remind me again.. Why I need you?

Remember why you started..

The world is ready to bring you down, tear you to shreds. Days that will question how you got here? Why did you make the decision you did? and most importantly were those life changing decisions right after all? You reach a point where you self-doubt, your decisions, your will power, your self-worth and everything in between. So what do you do then?

Well, you need to stop sulking, stop with the self-pity and remember why you started! Be it your job, your love life, your passions & dreams. Go back to remember why you started in the first place. There was always risk involved, you knew that dint you? You still gave it all you had, you believed well, maybe this could work. You believed in yourself that hell yeah I will make this work. But somewhere all along, you let their stupid, baseless talks get into your head. You went into denials of not wanting to try at all.

The perfect relationship?

You started doubting if this relationship was even worth your time, you started doubting your choices, he’s too arrogant, doesn’t get you, too clingy? But weren’t these exactly the very things you had grown to love?  Did you ever imagine how life would be if he dint bother to text you? call you? didn’t bother to know how your day was going? You’d complain about that too, wouldn’t you!

The job that pays the bills & more

You got the job you were vying for? You got your expected salary and then you started finding flaws in the system, boss too adamant, workload too much, work hours too bad… how about all the bonuses you got, how about the time your boss stood up for you before the management, the time your boss did say how valuable you were. It may have been for their own ulterior reasons, but they did want you right?

Dreams that never let you sleep….

So you made elaborate plans, very sure you’d make all of them work. You planned, decided, asked for help. Burned the night lamp at odd hours into the night just too perfect your script or to simply make your art flawlessly beautiful. But then you received rejection email(Okay, way too many) and then you began to self-doubt you way into denial.So you stopped writing, your stopped traveling, you stopped doing the very things that made you feel alive.

So here’s a thing we should all do, snap out of it! Snap out of the endless cribbing and complaining that we so love being involved in. We are a privileged bunch of people, we have so many things that are working for us and we should be proud of where we are today. we have achieved things, we have stood against all odds, we have made our families proud just by doing what we do. We have at some point made ourselves proud too. So let us not stop here. Let’s keep going, let us keep making this work no matter how difficult the struggle.

So let’s take a step back, clear your head and think of all the reasons we began this journey in the first place. Then, just have a go at it with EVERYTHING YOU GOT!

Those things about 2016..

Well now,didn’t we all love 2016, NOT! It was definitely not on top of our favourite year’s list. It deserves every bit of our sarcasm, because come on, it did more than just give us a hard time. It would be wrong to say that it was a bad, vengeful, disgusting year! It was just a very overwhelming and confusing year. I hope it wasn’t just me that faced the wrath of this wretched year? Well, lets just say if 2016 was a person, she would be bloody hell interesting, just a whole lot of chaos, mess, indecisive, misjudged and basically hated by all!

So here are 5 things 2016 taught me…

Lesson No. 1: Do not listen to crap
SO we have all been here, we listen to a lot of shit from some completely irrelevant people, we put up with a lot of shit in the name of just patience. Well not every situation demands a reaction. Some situations just deserve stoic silence. But well, lets just face facts, there were way too many times you wish you had spoken, asked the person to shut the hell up and listen to you and you didn’t! Too many underlying reasons, important relationships at stake and just a lot to loose ends in general. But haven’t we all learnt that we need to improve, we need to be better versions of ourselves every chance we get, Let’s begin then?
Lesson No. 2: Plan your life
Way too many wasted days is how I personally would like to describe my year. Get up, plan it, plan it down to the T! You deserve this, you deserve your time, you deserve your attention, you deserve every bit of planning that would bring you a day closer to your goals. Unleash your pen, book ,pad, iPhone, scribble on your hand for all I care,but PLAN. Plan your priorities, plan your perfect vacation, plan your actionable for your perfect goals. As soon as your break it down, you’d realise it isn’t that unachievable after all. Break it down to each month, highlights you’d need to focus on each day! Lets do this guys, you and me, in it together

Lesson No. 3: Go a little crazy..
YEAH, I know this needs no introduction to you.  You have done plenty  of it in 2016 already, but who said all of 2016 was sucky right? Maybe all your going crazy, discovering yourself, challenging your boundaries was one of the best things 2016 could have gifted you. Maybe 2016 was a year of self discovery for these very reasons and honestly lets promise each we wont ever give up on that! Because self-indulgence is the best kind of indulgence. So go on that solo trip of it means that much, go take your parents on a trip if that is what makes you happy. Sit at home every saturday and do absolutely nothing or just go crazy partying every weekend. Do whatever the hell it is takes to make you go a little Harley Quinn! Because hell, we all know life is too damned difficult anyways to not have a little fun. So don’t challenge your sanity, live on the edge a bit! Unwind love…

Lesson No 4: Be open to new experiences

If there is one phrase to describe how 2016 felt,’One helluva ride’. It felt like those times when you know you drank too much, you had a great time, the best in  long long time, and yet it gave you the worst kinda hangover, you called some wrong people up, you upset some, you entertained some. What would you call that experience good?NO.. Bad?NO.. but it was just something.It was a special night and will always go down in history. Precisely how we feel about last year don’t we? So you met new people some really interesting ones and you can’t describe how it felt, it felt like how every first bite of doughnuts taste when you are immensely craving for it. Does that mean doughnuts are good for your health? HELLL NO! they just taste heaven freakishly amazing. Met new people, broadened your horizons, challenged your own belief systems, imbibed some new cultures, there was so much for everyone in 2016. I hope our new year gives us many more such engaging intriguing experiences. 2017 we are up for, just be a little ehhhh…sublte.

Lesson No 5. You Survived, where’s the virtual Hi-Five?

And if there is the simplest way to describe life in a sentence’ It Goes on’. So many changes, so many events that shook you from your soft haven and that enviable comfort zone. It didn’t feel right at first, your walls started to collapse, your gods started to crumble, your life started to fall apart like papyrus scrolls in water, right before your eyes and all you could do was watch! But where are you now? Still here aren’t you? The war is over, the survivors are all that counts, your life is all that matters.You survived through times you thought were impossible, doesn’t it ever make you wonder love, what you are capable of? You were capable of being the captain of the boat in the roughest of the seas, you were capable of making it through the day when it just wouldn’t stop raining crap, you made it through the night when they walked way. You made it through it all, you ll continue to, I promise.

So rub off that war dust, put down your weapons, you don’t need them anymore. Just live, love and experience. Because I don’t know what else there is to life besides these!

Because expression of love differs…

It was their anniversary. She wanted to make it a memorable one for him. ‘I’ll never be able to outdo him’ she thought. He’s too perfect. So she decides to bake a rainbow cake, something she has done before. Excited and overwhelmed she begins.An hour before the anniversary, devastated and disappointing at the failed attempt, she sighs at yet another effort she realized would go unnoticed. It wasn’t like he would not appreciate, it was just that she was never good enough, never good enough for him. She begins her anniversary day by this beautiful extravagant cake he arranged for her. He feeds her the cake, sings ‘you look wonderful tonight’ and kisses her worries away.All this as she tries to hide her fingertips stained with food colors, still over weighed by the fact that she ll never be good enough for his love.

So he loves you like there is no tomorrow. Bringing flowers, sending cute texts randomly, taking you to your favorite eatery joint, listening to all the videos and songs you force him to and actually making an effort(despite hating alternative music). He listened to it all, he read every article, tried to make sense of your conversations when you ranted about all your work problems, family problems and everything in between.

And just like that everybody started to see perfection. This grand perfection in your relationship that you failed to look at. By no means did it ever mean,that he isn’t or wasn’t ‘The One’. He definitely is. But how tiring is it to be overpowered by the very person you love? How tiring is it to constantly compete to prove to yourself and the world that to are indeed really trying hard?

We are living in the generation, where people are more often than not, very strongly opinionated. Maybe to a fault. Is this right, is this wrong, well who knows? But ever wondered how does it feel to be overweighed and burdened by love. The happy kinda love the best kinda love. And no, nobody’s being ungrateful here, the point I am trying to make here is the fact that some people’s efforts go unnoticed.

There will always be that one person in the relationship, that struggles more, that puts more amount of efforts.The one that has been struggling to stay up till later in the night, the one who reminds herself to text while she leaves, the one who tries to remember the dates and the anniversaries, the one who tries to remember the first song he dedicated.

Does that make you scorn? does that make you feel like this person isn’t putting efforts? Let me clear this out for all those people who think they are the only ones putting efforts. So here goes…

We are the ones who are too forgetful to call, doesn’t mean we didn’t want to

We are the ones who go silent when hurt, doesn’t mean you are right

We are the ones who have been trying to remember events using calendar reminders,

we are the ones who have only just begun to go out of the way to make your day special,

No, we don’t text 9-5, no we don’t call every night, No we don’t go ‘baby’,’darling’ honest all night,

No, we don’t remember every little detail about our first kiss, doesn’t mean it wasn’t special

Yes, we are too weighed down by our insecurities, doesn’t mean we don’t fight them each day, for you!

So please do give us the benefit of the doubt. We are the ones who wouldn’t shout and scream of all the efforts we are putting in. Some people are just effortlessly the perfect partner in the relationship. Maybe all it takes is 10% extra effort to be that best girlfriend/ wife/ husband ever. But please for the love of god do remember,there is that underdog partner who is probably putting in 100% efforts just to be sane and normal in a relationship. And yes, they loose every time before your extravagant efforts, they really do. Doesn’t mean they aren’t trying. So please give it a thought every time before you pull them down by saying, ‘You are just not trying’ They probably are, what’s discouraging is their efforts being wasted like it meant nothing.

Open your eyes and see the world, there are people trying too hard to just be a part of your life! We are the ones struggling each day of our lives to be the best possible version of ourselves, this means different things to different people. Interpretations vary! Don’t judge the whole world on your scale of right and wrong, black and white. Because greys exist too!!!

Wandering or Lost?

She walked those cool marbled floors with a sense of eerie. The urge to
turn around was never more concerning. She believed in angels alright, but
that came with its own set of perks. The good with the bad, the right and
wrong, angels & ….she caught her stray thoughts. Her mind was again swaying
back to those thoughts. That is when she heard Ellie, her best friend, her
partner in crime, the one who just “got her”.
It had been 4 years, the accident that had devastated her life, her family,
her pet everything she felt close to her. Except Ellie!   Ellie and she
survived…somehow through it all, they just did.” Lets go by the river, let’s go
cycling…it’s been a while” said Ellie casually. “Not today, I don’t feel like it”.
“You never feel like It, I am sick of it…sick of the four walls and the cold floor, I
need air…I need light, let’s go Rihanna” announced Ellie, feeling more
confident by her firm demeanor. She sulked but she knew Ellie was right;
they could use some fresh air!
They dressed up in casual warm clothes. Rihanna turned and guffawed
at Ellie” not black, not black, I hate black, WEAR SOMETHING ELSE!” Rihanna
never got over black…the funeral, the dirt, the screeching brakes, the thud,
slow groans…they splintered her soul. Black rendered her hopeless.” Okay”-
said Ellie, no questions asked no explanation expected, it was understood, it
was Ellie- Rihanna after all!
As they strode across the path and took up their cycle she noticed Ellie’s
cycle was punctured. She wondered how? It had only been a fortnight since
they had refilled the air. “Kids” she thought carelessly.

As they reached the river she could feel eyes in her. Familiar people,
some she liked some she hated some just acquaintances. She despised this
feeling, they stared like she wasn’t herself anymore….! She ignored, Ellie
patted her and took her hand…they sat reminiscing the old days! She laughed,
so hard after so long! It felt good, dint feel wrong anymore, the laugh!
She doesn’t know how long she waited there. She was just discussing
prom, when a lady in white dress stood over her, pitiful eyes boring down on
Rihanna!” What” exclaimed Rihanna rebelliously! “We need to go back” said
the lady.
The next thing she remembered was waking up to the strangely familiar
buzz, she got up, but the chains pulled her back with vengeance. Nervous,
worried & panicking she pulled at the chains. They remained hinged and
unmovable! The white lady came in, same pitiful eyes and she squandered
about the room. Rihanna tried to speak, ask questions but words failed her.
“Ellie” she mustered strength finally. The white lady slashed out with an
unseen ferocity and slurred out the words. Rihanna dint seem to hear them.
Ellie sat across the bed rest and smiled. An uncanny vicious smile…and
muttered with an almost mute tone” schizophrenic they call you RI, they think
you are…” Ellie’s words muted out.
The realization struck in like a million times before…the hospital walls closed
in on her…yet again. These tiresome circles were just but a part of a
schizophrenic’s life.
She was losing herself to Ellie, realization dawned! Fighting a losing battle one
to many times…